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Yo Mamma’s so old, she uses an iPad

(as first published on Stuart Foster’s The Lost Jacket)

January 27^th.  At some point during that day, you were probably listening to Steve Jobs announce Apple’s latest panacea. 
I have to admit, I was fearful about this new device.  Fearful that it would be yet another thing for which I’d serve a financial life sentence in commitment with Apple for hardware and service.  Still, I tuned in to the reveal of the iPad.  Steve and his minions talked all about what it could and would do, how nothing would be the same again.  And then something wonderful happened; I realized I didn’t need it.

I know there will be dissenters, which is healthy.  But hear me out, at least on my personal reasons.  Digital magazines?  They look great on this thing.  However, I like physical, tangible magazines.  That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t read a magazine on the iPad, but I would never read them exclusively on the iPad.  The device also seems a little cumbersome as a book reader to me; I’d probably opt for a lighter weight kindle.  The video/YouTube capabilities on the iPad are no better than my laptop for out of house viewing and nowhere near as good as my Sony Bravia at home.  The photo organization looks great, if you’re into that.  I’m lazy.  I take tons of pictures and don’t catalog anything.  My behavior will only change when a camera comes out that allows me to orally name the photos as I take them and labels them accordingly-write that down! Apps have new possibilities with the Pad’s bigger screen, most specifically games, but I’ve no time for games out of house and at home, the PS3/Bravia combo has no equal in my mind.

So there it was: I had to reconcile that there might actually be a new Apple product for which I have little to no use.  Then it dawned on me: Who the fuck do I think I am?  We (in the tech and creative sector) think Apple designs, develops and creates just for us.  This is exactly the “world revolves around me” egomaniacal shit that I abhor in others.  We might all be guilty of it here.  Because if you (like I) use an iPhone and a MacBookPro, this thing might not be for you.  Guess what?  There are people other than us.  People who don’t rock what we do in our messenger bags.  People who have computing needs that need to be met and don’t need a fancy laptop, because it’s too delicate, too expensive or too complicated.

So who is this for?  I’ve mentioned students in the past.  I remember lugging 10 books in a bag from Lawrinson Dorm to Newhouse at Syracuse University in the snow.  Having all those texts on an iPad would rule.  You can take notes with the “Notes” app and transfer them to MS Word via email.  Not too bad.  Plus music, video, games.  Alas, I think 18 year olds all would want full fledged laptops, so maybe not.

Little kids?  It’s potentially a computer-learning tool, a first step towards a computer.  And think about how amazing an animated pop-up book might be to a little kid on that thing—integrated video…it could be very cool.  But it’s a big expense for that short of a life span of usage, especially if the kid quickly grows into an iMac.

How about in the workplace?  Remember the iPad is more like the iPhone than a laptop.  By that I mean it’s essentially a shell.  Apps will define what it can become.  It could have tremendous practical applications in the business world.  Think about how many of those “things” UPS drivers carry there are.  You don’t think there can be an application like that for an iPad?  Are you insane?  The screen can become anything, can access any information in the cloud, and can take signatures.  Hello?  I think time will tell if this application finds legs, but I think the possibilities are endless and if developers are only focusing on entertainment rather than utility, they are hunting for gaming treasure and missing the boat already filled with gold.

So what does that leave us with?  In my opinion, it leaves us with the biggest demographic of all.  There are over 40 million people in the United States alone over the age of 65.  Forty.  Million.  Many of them are afraid of computers because they find them too hard to use and complicated.  Have you ever been on the phone trying to talk a parent through a computer problem?  It’s like getting kicked in the nuts during a root canal.  But these people need to be integrated technologically – they can’t just be ignored.  If only there was some…thing that made computer tasks simple.  A computer product that was truly user-friendly and didn’t do too much.  Email and music, perhaps a little video, maybe sort pictures from friends and relatives, surf the net, allow people to read their favorite magazine or book.  40 million potential customers.  That’s a big Twinkie.  And a big demographic, which I’ve dubbed the “late adopter.”  I’m sure I’ll never know if this was one of the prime directives in the iPad’s development, but I can tell you that I’ve heard from several friends that they plan to buy the iPad for a parent.  Because it’s big enough to physically handle without dropping even for clumsy people (as opposed to an iPhone), can be used around the house, and running it will be a snap.  Do you think 65 year olds care about flash?  Multi-tasking?  Nope.  The only thing missing is video chat and a front-facing camera so the grandkids can see Nana.  But Jobs has to save something for iPad 2.0; he has a responsibility to bilk Nana out of her social security.