(Originally posted on September 29, 2009)
I said I’d probably be all over the place with this blog: the advertising business, thoughts on movies and television and general observations, some of which might persuade you to consider petitioning for me to be sent off to a home for the bewildered.
This post I fear may fall into the latter category. But if I’m not adhering to any rules as far as topics go, I might as well jump all over the place from the get-go. So, with that in mind, I hereby present the following:
A couple of weeks ago, The New York Daily News ran a feature piece about the stars of the 1983 movie The Outsiders and what some of them are doing now, complete with pictures. I think the writer completely missed what I’ve believed for a long time but repressed out of fear I might be hushed or taken away to some government facility and never heard from again. Maybe the Daily News writer had planned to make it a facet of the piece, but was hushed — pressured with who knows what to keep it quiet. But I can no longer remain silent. Whatever happens, happens. At least here is the evidence that may be the paper trail to find me. I didn’t just vanish. I was a fly in the ointment and some one high up pushed a button. See you in the third act when you rescue me. With that said, I present The Outsiders conspiracy:
I firmly believe that on the set of the motion picture The Outsiders, a scientific discovery was made by one of the stars. Someone found the fountain of youth. And that someone shared the discovery with several, but not all of his or her costars. I suggest that the evidence to support this theory is virtually undeniable, or at least worthy of a long panel-type debate and discussion, with appropriate catering.
My basis for this theory rests primarily on the way several of the stars have aged, or more specifically, how they haven’t seemed to age at all. Far too many to be a coincidence. Now, twenty six years later, it’s clear to determine who got invited into the magic trailer for a sip from the fountain:
Winners: Rob Lowe, Ralph Macchio, Matt Dillon, Tom Cruise, Diane Lane, Emilo Estevez.
Losers: C. Thomas Howell, Darren Dalton, Leif Garrett.
Though respect suggests that Patrick Swayze be left out of the discussion, I feel the need to qualify his omission: despite the fact that he didn’t exactly age gracefully before being dealt the worst of cards and ultimately losing his battle with pancreatic cancer, he was born at least 10 years earlier than all of his co-stars. He is thus exempt from this discussion, as is Francis Coppola, simply got old, Sofia Coppola, who was too young in the film to qualify, and Tom Waits, who arguably may have clinically been dead during some if not all of the filming and various periods of time since.
The question now is, will any of these forever young stars come forward and admit they got a taste of the elixir of life? Will any of them ever age? If not, will we see Karate Kid 7: Macchio becomes Miyagi? Rob Lowe in Oxford Blues: Senior Crew and Still Gettin Laid, or how about Matt Dillon in My Geriatric Bodyguard?
